How am I not myself? How? am I not myself. How am I not, myself? How am I not myself? (Just a little ‘I Heart Huckabees’ humor for you).
Its self-reflection time over here at Softness of Things. Midway through the semester and a good time to sit down and think about what has gone on. I went through all of my projects and project descriptions for this class and noticed a few trends: I sure do like to be self-reflective and I sure am a formalist (in the art-world sense). I say that because in all of the posts about my projects I can’t help but question what I did and what I’m doing. Its like a self-critique, but all the time… but its a positive one. I guess its like saying “what did I really do? And is that the best thing to do?, where should I go next”… all very rational thought processes being applied to very non-rational actions. Which makes me wonder if they really do anything at all. I can pretend that my self-reflexivity actually influences my action… but does it? I have the feeling it does not, at least not very much.
I have habits; a somewhat well established style, and a picky aesthetic which have been developed for 20 years, so can I really change what I do by just thinking about it. It seems ironic to process such ‘from the gut’ work with a really rational action… but maybe thats just what it is: processing. Maybe that is how I process my work, or, ‘finish it off’-by thinking about what it was that I just did. I have noticed I enjoy talking about HOW I approached a problem, not WHAT I did to solve it; but when I am making the artifact I almost always make decisions because they FEEL right, not THINK right.
You as the reader may be saying to yourself “man, why doesn’t he just not think so much… stop worrying about it”, and I would probably do the same if I was reading this. The only problem is: I like it. I like to think of it as my way of balancing out my work. I make things from the gut and with reckless formal abandon, and then over rationalize all my decisions once they are done… I could trying inter-weaving those processes… that could be interesting. One really great side affect of the rational introspection, though, is I can talk about myself accurately and freely. I can be my own curator, which is helpful in times like these… but I wonder if its all B.S?
Oh, PS: Isn’t it funny how I can’t avoid thinking too much and making a jumble of thoughts… it is to me… even in a essay ABOUT reflexivity…. AHHHH INFINITE LOOP!